Week 17 -- Day 3 and feeling puffy

10:53 a.m. SEVENTEEN WEEKS! Holy crap. In less than 5 mths, we will have a little life to care for, nurture and love for eternity. I keep picturing this little girl (still don't know the sex, but I still think it's a girl!) with big round colored eyes staring up at me and calling me "Mommy." Mommy! It's hard to think of myself -- a tiny 4'10" person who still looks up to her parents -- as someone's Mom. I will always have my worries about being a good parent, but I'm gaining more and more confidence as the days go by. I'm still reading a lot of stuff online and in magazines, and I've been watching "A Baby Story" on TLC and a lot of that show "Wife Swap." It's amazing how much you can learn from other people's mistakes! Some of those parents on Wife Swap are INSANE! I've seen a range of personalities, from overly strict parents to those who literally tell people that they live to serve their children.(One dad actually said that verbatim.) I've seen lazy kids, rude kids, children with no social lives, spoiled kids, you name it, I've seen it. I've been taking a lot of mental notes from this show and have even decided to use some of the families ideas of making chore lists, giving out allowances, setting aside family time and generally creating a somewhat structured lifestyle for their children. I believe children need some sort of structure, but they also need room to grow and try new things. I would never hold my child to one particular activity. I would let her/him try several things (provided that they are not dangerous) until he/she found his niche.
I've finally gained weight! Two pounds to be exact. I know it's not a huge amount, but it's pretty significant to me, given that I actually lost weight during my first trimester and have had so much trouble eating lately. I'm seeing a new doctor now, the doctor who's running my exercise study (did i tell you guys about that study?), and feel SO much more comfortable with him. My husband took to him instantly as well. My new doctor actually listened to everything I said, including what would be considered "normal, unpleasant pregnancy symptoms" such as vomiting and headaches, and took them seriously. He offered me a variety of ways to alleviate symptoms and assured me that he would look further into the symptoms (especially the vomiting), if they got any worse. I told the doc that my anti-nausea medication, Phenergan, hadn't been working. All it does is make me sleepy. So he prescribed something stronger called Zofran, that comes in a dissolvable (is that a word?) tablet form. You put a tab on your tongue and begin to feel relief in minutes. Since using the Zofran, I've been able to eat a lot more than I was before. The nausea hasn't completely disappeared, and I still get sick every now and then, but I feel so much better.
At my first (and so far, only) appointment with my new doc, he performed a VERY THOROUGH ultrasound that not even my first doctor did. She had already given me 2 or 3 ultrasounds and didn't do a whole lot but look at the baby, smile, and point out the head and body. This guy took about 10 to 15 minutes taking measurements of the skull, body, femur, and other parts I can't remember, and telling us in full detail what was what. He pointed out baby's round tummy, which was full of amniotic fluid (baby can swallow now!); baby's entire spine (you could literally count the vertebrae, it was unbelievable); baby's 10 fingers and toes, femur, arm bones, spinal cord, and other individual bones on it's body. My husband and I were speechless over how this tiny 5-inch person could be so completely formed. We could also see the miniature heart beating in it's chest as well as the brain and organs. The baby was moving more than ever during the ultrasound. She was constantly doing the bicycle kick like her Mom used to do!!! I couldn't believe what I was seeing. She lifted both arms above her head and then kicked her legs out and opened them and closed them. She was making little fists with her hands and tossing and turning. It brought tears to my husbands eyes. I asked the doctor if he could tell us the sex (I was about 15 weeks or so at the time) and he said, "Well, I could guess, but I'd rather send you to the experts at the perinatal group when you're at 20 weeks." "Please!" I pleaded with him. He began to move the ultrasound wand downwards, put on his glasses and took a long, hard look at the baby's "parts" and said, "Hmmm, welll, ahh, I'd rather not say. I might be wrong." I was sooo upset!!! I didn't want to keep pressuring him, so I just sighed and said, "Okay, doc. We can wait." Earlier that week at our exercise class, the doc told me that usually if it's a boy, you can tell right away on the ultrasound. He said that if we had a boy, we might get lucky and be able to tell on the day of our appointment with him. So I figured if it had been a boy that the doctor saw on the screen, he would have said something, but he didn't! I definitely couldn't see the boy part, and when I compared the ultrasound pics to ones I've seen online, I felt like I was looking at girl parts. I'm sooo anxious to find out!!! We visit the perinatal group on Nov. 12 for an anatomical screening, which not only determines the sex but also checks for structural abnormalities as well. I'll be 21 weeks along. The doc listened for the heart again via Doppler and sure enough, it was beating strongly. He said a normal range is between 120 and 160 bpms, or typically twice as fast as mommy's heart. Baby's heart was at about 132 bpms. Again, listening to the heart beat brought tears to both of our eyes. I can't describe the relief I feel when I'm 100% positive that baby is alive and moving around in there. The days between doctor's appointments seem to stretch on forever!
I finally felt the little duck moving! A little over a week ago, I was lying on my back on the bed, trying to go to sleep when I felt this tickling sensation going on inside my lower left abdominal area. It would last a few seconds and then disappear and then come back again. This went on for about 30 minutes I'd say, and kept me from sleeping for a while. I thought that it MIGHT be the baby, but I wasn't positive. I posted my experience on babycenter.com and was ecstatic to find out from other moms that it was definitely what the "fluttering" sensations of baby's kicks initially feel like. I was still a teeny bit skeptical until the next day came around and that tickling feeling came back again. This time it was more towards my right side and lasted even longer. I finally believed that the belly tickles were in fact baby quack doing her dance moves! Since then, baby usually likes to move when i'm lying down or leaning forward. I think I squish her whenever I try to bend over, because she never fails to start wiggling. It's actually quite cute! I think she's saying, "Gees, lady! I hardly have enough room in here to begin with, and you have to go bending over and making my house even smaller!" Every once in a while, baby kicks hard enough for her daddy to feel it. On the second or third day of me feeling her move, kent put his hand on my belly and kept it there for a while. I told him to push on it a bit, because i read that baby responds to touch. I could definitely feel the tickles but i didn't want to say anything to kent. I wanted him to feel for himself. I kept watching the expression on his face to see if it changed. After about the 5th time that baby moved, she let out a HUGE kick or punch and i watched kent's face go from calm and collected to being in disbelief. "Holy shit!" he exclaimed with saucer-sized eyes. "Oh my god! Was that the baby!?" I laughed and said that yes, that was in fact his little baby. It was such a great feeling. The baby hasn't kicked that hard for either of us since then, but I know it will happen sooner or later. I read that moms usually don't feel baby moving consistently until 20 some weeks or so. And the kicks still feel like tickles. On rare occasions, I'll feel a "pushing" sensation but it usually doesn't last for too long.
I'm going to rest my eyes for a bit.

Week 14 -- Day 1 !!

12:52 a.m. Well, well, well! I'm exactly 14 weeks today! I cannot believe it has been this long already. It feels like just yesterday when I found out I was pregnant. Since I last wrote, I've had one more prenatal visit, I've seen the baby in another ultrasound (in addition to the one I started writing about last time), I've heard the baby's heartbeat twice(!), and my stomach began stretching like crazy!!!
To finish off my last entry...
The doc and tech did an ultrasound that lasted about 10 minutes, more or less. Kent and I were in total awe at how big the baby had gotten. The ultrasound equipment was so much more high-tech than the one used at my OBs office. They had a huge plasma screen mounted on the wall in front of the exam table, so I was able to see the baby without having to look at the ultrasound machine. When the tech found the baby, the first thing we saw was its fully-formed face and head. I could not believe it had a profile already! --> After some more studying at home (we took home five beautiful ultrasound pics), I determined that the baby had my nose, Kent's chin and my forehead. Haha. I know the baby is still way too small to tell, but I thought it was fun to try. <---
The tech slowly moved the ultrasound wand over the rest of my belly and all of a sudden a little arm popped up and stretched over the baby's head. Then the other arm and two little legs extended. The baby did a full body stretch!!! I was speechless. As it was, I couldn't believe how big the baby had become, but I was not expecting to see her/him dancing around like that. The baby proceeded to move its head and little feet and hands and, at one point, it looked like it was waving at us. It was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen. It was doing aerobics! I can't even count how many times the baby moved its little body. The tech kept having to move the wand in order to keep up with him/her! The doctor said it was one of the more active baby's he's seen and the tech said he/she was very photogenic. Awww!
I felt so comforted knowing that my baby was alive and well and VERY active. I guess that's no surprise that it was moving a lot though. When I was a baby, I constantly moved my legs in a cycling motion and I sat up and walked at a very early age. Kent's mom also said that Kent moved around nonstop and got into everything as a little baby. She said he walked at a really early age as well. Uh oh! We're going to have a little monkey on our hands. At this point, I think I'd rather have a really active baby than a calmer one -- she/he will keep me busy all day -- but I bet you one year from now, I'm going to be thinking otherwise!
Sleepy time. I'll finish in a few hours. :)

Week 11 -- Day 3 or Week 12 -- Day 4

3:34 a.m. I can't sleep! I'm in so much pain right now. Yup, the back and neck pain has come back with a vengeance. I guess I was pain free for about a week. It was nice. I'm seeing my pain specialist tomorrow to figure out where to go from here. I have a few non-medication options. I also got the number to that acupuncturist that my OB recommended. I'm going to give her a call tomorrow and make an appointment. Of course I'm anxious about where to go from here, but I'm trying to not let it take over my life. I read this great quote from the Bible : Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day. (Matthew 6:34). Isn't that a great quote? I don't read the Bible but I found the quote written in a post on my Baby Center Web site. This poor woman had an ultrasound yesterday and the ultrasound tech noticed some fluid in the baby's neck fold -- a sign of possible Down syndrome. I can't imagine what that must be like. Anyway, the girl was saying that she was trying to pray and find reasoning behind all this. She said that the quote helps her to try and calm down. It can surely help me too!
I swear, I've been worrying about EVERYTHING since coming off of my meds. It's like I said, every emotion hits you 10x as much as you remember. Now I'm really feeling the pregnancy hormones running amuck. Today brought some potential great news though. I went in for my baby's sequential screening test for chromosomal abnormalities -- I decided I'd rather prepare for the worst than be surprised -- and the doctor said the baby's measurements of the neck (an indicator of Down syndrome like I mentioned earlier), were perfectly normal. A typical measurement has to be below 3 cm and our little duck's was 1 cm, I believe. In fact, the baby measured at 12 weeks and 4 days!!! The doctor was pretty sure that I was in fact 12 weeks and 4 days along and not 11 weeks and 3 days like I was told early on. 12 weeks and 4 days was what I would have been anyways if they hadn't changed my due date during my second prenatal visit. I also went to a different group this time for the sequential screening -- Texas Perinatal Group. I REALLY felt comfortable with the doctor I saw. He made a bigger impression on me in the 3 to 4 minutes that we spoke than my OB has in the 3 times that I've seen her. I'm not trying to be mean. I think my OB is a very nice lady, but she just seems too absent-minded. Okay guys, I'm getting sleepy now. I'll finish up in a few hours. G'night! :) Oh yeah, to finish off, I took a blood test and will have another blood test at 16 wks that will give me a better idea of my baby's chances for any abnormalities. From the measurements alone though, the doc didn't seem to think there would be any problems. Whew!

Week 11 - Woah!

11:46 p.m. It's gloomy outside, much like my mood. It's been raining for about three days now. Lord knows we need it. We've had one of the hottest summers since 1925, and we've been in a drought for years now. The first day of rain was nice. The weather cooled down and our daily walks become more pleasant. Now I just wish it would stop. Poor Fran hates going outside! She doesn't like the wet grass for some reason. I find that strange since she loves the snow so much. Maybe she doesn't like to get mud on her shoes. Nobody likes mud on their shoes. And yes I said "shoes." That wasn't an accident. I like to personify my animals. They are and will always be my first babies.
Everyone is asleep right now -- Kent, Kikster, Mr.Haze, Melvin T. Cat and Frannie Bananie -- all dozed off. Maybe I should go to sleep too? Join the crowd.
Today marks the 11th week of my pregnancy. Not much is to be said of the way the baby is forming anymore. Her organs are completely formed, her limbs are there, her mouth, lips, eyes, eyelids, everything is hopefully all there and functional. Now it's baking time, if you want to go with the "bun in the oven" analogy. I should be happy right now but I'm plagued with doubt and worry. Have I done enough to help her form correctly? What if she turns out to be disabled? Will we be able to deal with that as parents? I stopped praying when I came out of my depression a couple of weeks ago, but I think it's time to start talking to God again. It helped me last time, and it can't hurt.
I've worried a lot about my relationship with Kent. He's starting to work nights and sleeps during the day. I feel like I don't see enough of him. Will I be able to handle it when he has to work five nights in a row? I hate sleeping in bed alone. I lie awake at night with my mind running at full speed. I'm so proud of Kent for what he has accomplished, and it's not up to him to make me happy. That, I have to do for myself. He's been SOO supportive of me as I go through my ups and downs, and for that I can't be more thankful, but I'm afraid he'll start to feel like I'm a drain on his already sapped energy. He's a good provider, a wonderful husband and shoulder to lean on, but he can't do everything. He can't ALWAYS be my entertainment, my source of income, my rock, my knight in shining armor -- it's not physically or emotionally possible. I will wear him thin. The upside is that when baby is born, he'll be here during the day to help out. I just hope he can get SOME sleep in then. A few hours at least.
I've been feeling like such a failure lately. What am I contributing to this marriage? It's near impossible to get a job now that I'm pregnant. My source of income -- editing transcripts -- has been SUPER slow. The court reporter broke her foot and hasn't been able to work much. I need to call her though. It's been about a week and I know she wanted to get back to work as soon as possible. I posted some ads on Craigslist and other job Web sites advertising my work, but no bites yet. I feel like I don't do much but sit around all day. I've been sucked into this never-ending cycle of fear and anxiety. It's hard to leave the house sometimes because I'm afraid of having a panic attack in the car. Even leaving to go for a walk gets my heart rate up. If I get a panic attack while walking, what if I have no where to escape? I know this will pass though. The wait is nerve-wracking. I don't know when or why I started having such a low self-esteem. I have my theories, my defining moments of when my life began to sink for me, but I can't say for sure. I used to be SO optimistic about everything. When I was knocked down, I got back up. When things became too rough, my adrenaline kicked in and I always trudged through. Now I'm afraid of success. If I succeed, will I be able to keep things going? It's so easy to stay the same, even if I know I could be doing more. Change is always something you can count on in life. Sometimes it happens without warning, other times you must change for yourself. I need to change my life. I can do anything I want in this world. Well, almost anything. I couldn't be a supermodel, but you know what I mean. I've been wanting to go to law school for quite sometime now. I want to be an animal welfare lawyer. I want to litigate animal cruelty, malpractice cases and the like. I want to advocate to get laws passed that protect animals and guarantee they have a voice -- they can't speak for themselves. I wanted to go to vet school initially. That was my whole reason for moving to Fort Collins. I worked at a vet clinic and the Colorado State Vet Hospital and saw the stress the vets were under, and I began to second guess myself and my career choice. Could I deal with the frantic clients when their pets were in life-threatening situations? Could I save more lives than not? My brain is always full of what-ifs, and could-I's, and will-I's.
One thing I am proud of right now is being able to get off of my medication without severe withdrawals. But now comes the hard part, and it's all mental. My pain receptors -- both physical and mental -- have been dulled for months. Everything that happened to me affected me in such a different way. I felt it, but not really, if that makes sense. My happiness was dulled, my sadness was dulled. I almost felt like a walking zombie. Now, I feel everything 10x as much as I used to. My receptors aren't used to feeling anymore, so every little thing bugs them. It sucks, sucks, sucks. At least writing about it helps some.
Kent is asleep right now -- I wish to God he was awake with me. Just having him awake and present lifts my spirits, but waking him from his much needed sleep would be cruel.
Right now I feel like I'm getting up just for the sake of the animals, the baby and Kent. Kent needs a wife to talk to and lean on when he needs to vent, animals need food and water, baby needs nutrition. What do I need? What can I do for myself and how do I break out of this cycle? Small steps. Baby steps.
I started going through papers today and making files. There's a HUGE stack of stuff in the office that I've been looking at and trying to ignore for the past few weeks. I'm proud I at least got started going through it.
I have what's called a sequential screening on Monday. It's basically an ultrasound combined with blood work that determines your risk of having a baby with Down syndrome. If your risk is higher, let's say 1 out of 300 as opposed to 1 out of 4,000, then they recommend amniocentesis or what's called a CVS test. The tests are invasive and have a small risk of miscarriage, but they can definitively tell you with 99% accuracy if your baby has any chromosomal abnormalities. My problem with the tests is this: What is there to be done if the baby DOES have some abnormality? Nothing. We can read books and prepare for what's to come when the baby is born, but other than that, there is nothing to be done. Do I want to ruin my pregnancy experience? Kent and I talked things over a few weeks ago and decided that we didn't want to test, but now I'm having second thoughts. The other thing is, if the risk is in between high and low, do I do a definitive test and risk miscarriage? There are just too many questions that have no answers. I think I may pass on it.
I have my third prenatal checkup in two weeks. We will be able to see what looks like a real baby! Baby is the size of a large lime now and will be much bigger in two weeks -- obviously. A friend of mine is co-owner of a place called Belly View Ultrasound in my hometown of Mcallen. They do 3-D ultrasounds so you can get a much more accurate picture of the baby. I want to do one already, but I think I should wait a few more weeks until the baby's features are more distinguishable.
We find out the sex in three weeks also. Will it be pink or blue? Football or ballet? Puppies or kittens? Haha. I guess I'm using typical gender assigned scenarios here. What if we have a football-loving girl who hates the color pink? Personally, the color pink makes me sick. It's too frilly. We agreed already that we will be open to whatever our child wants to do and experience as long as it's safe and healthy.
I hope I'm a good Mom. I KNOW Kent will be a great Dad. I hope I can become a better wife and partner. I hope I get out of this funk. Baby steps I tell ya.

Week 10 -- Day 5!!!

2:16 p.m. Wow! I'm about 2 weeks and some days before my second trimester. I cannot believe how much time flies. So much as happened since I last wrote. When I tell you, you'll understand why I've been M.I.A.
I was having a lot of back problems (again) and was trying to take it easy and lie down for a couple of days alternating between a heating pad and cold pack. I mentioned in a previous post that I had chronic pain from a car accident. I've been seeing a pain specialist here in Austin who put me on pain killers, which I've been taking for a few months now. Don't worry. Doc said it was totally safe for baby, and if you look it up on the internet, you will not find any evidence that it causes birth defects. The only issue was that I'd have to get off the medication about a month before birth so that the baby wouldn't suffer withdrawals. There is NO WAY IN HELL I was going to put my baby through that torment. Recently, I ran out of my medication and just decided to not go back for a refill. I quit...cold turkey. I tried weening off but it was just too easy to go right back to your medication when you started to feel any bit of withdrawals -- which include sweats, chills, severe anxiety attacks, irritability, body aches, restless leg syndromes, diarrhea (ugh), nausea, and sometimes vomiting. I've also been getting these weird "body buzzes" where you feel like your whole body is trembling inside. It's not pretty or fun.
Yesterday was my first day and I didn't do too bad. About 2 hours after what would have been my first dose, I started to feel shaky, sweaty yet cold, ANXIOUS AS HELL, and I couldn't sit still. I was pacing and pacing and making my poor husband nervous. I felt a bit nauseous but managed to eat some chicken soup and then got outside for some fresh air. I decided that if I didn't do something, I was going to spend the day pacing around the apartment, so I went shopping with Kent (groceries, home depot stuff, best buy stuff) and felt so much better. Later, we went out to dinner with my parents, which was also a smart choice for me. A part of me had to force myself to go though. I felt slightly sick inside but knew I couldn't sit still. It would drive me absolutely crazy.
This morning (day 2 -- it takes 3 days for your body to adjust to life without the meds) I woke up early -- about 6:30 -- ate, had some half-caff coffee and jumped in the shower. And all before 8 am. Wow! That is so unlike me to do that. It was like my body was just in this constant state of movement and I couldn't stop it.
--> Oh yeah, I've also been having TERRIBLE night sweats. I wake up at least 3 times a night so drenched in sweat and shivering that I have to change my clothes. It's as though I just jumped out of the shower. I'm not sure if it's too hot in that room and my body sweats, which in turn, the sweat on my body makes me cold, or if it's due to the lack of medication in my body. I'll have to experiment by sleeping in a cooler room.
Back to my day today -- So I woke up really early, packed some stuff, kissed my wonderful husband goodbye and off I went to my parents house. Kent is going to be working all day today (he had yesterday off) and I didn't want to be alone on what's considered the worst day of withdraw -- day 2. Day three is considered the easiest because the symptoms aren't as severe and you actually get into the mental state that you used to be in before your meds.
Honestly, although I feel awful physically, my mind is already coming out of my fog. It's amazing what medication alone can do you to you. I have to be on meds for my anxiety and bipolar and those actually help me, but pain meds just put you in this numb-like state. Happiness seems like it's coated with a film of plastic. I mean, it's there, but you can't quite grasp it. Does that make sense? Sadness and depression are there as well, but it makes you more quick to blame others. It's as though your guilty conscience disappears because your nerve receptors are so dead, so numb. And anxiety, wow. For me, the anxiety the medications caused was sometimes worse than the pain I would have without the meds. But I had to weigh the pros and cons. A day full of pain or a few hours of anxiety? I usually chose the anxiety, needless to say.
All in all, I feel emotionally and mentally great right now. I'm doing right by my parents, my husband and most importantly, my little baby. My doctors commended me and gave me the name of an acupuncturist who could help with the back pain. That's the one thing I never tried when I was looking for natural relief. I plan on seeing this person as soon as I can. I finally feel alive again. It's so hard to express in words.
My parents took Kent and I out to dinner yesterday. I had gone to the bathroom and on my way back, just the sight of my family interacting and laughing and looking content made me want to cry tears of joy. My happiness feels real. It's amazing. I am so proud of myself. I'm all smiles right now and so excited to be welcoming this baby into the world. Sure, I was excited before, but it's like I keep reiterating -- the joy in this world has really been hitting my heart and soul as if God's hand reached down and touched me.
Wow. That was some deep stuff! So about Baby Quack. She (or he, but again, I think it's a she) has popped out like a basketball! I'm showing so much (at least in my eyes) that at this rate, I'm going to look absolutely GI-NORMOUS by my 5 mth. I'm too small for that. Kent and I joked that the baby might grow up to be 6 feet tall and 200 lbs. Like I said, I'm 10 1/2 wks today. The baby has fingernails, fully formed organs (all of them), tiny ear buds, all of her joints are working and her arms and legs are constantly moving. By next week, the baby's boy or girl parts will descend and become externally visible. I still don't think they can tell the sex until the 20th week. Baby's eyelids are almost completely closed and her lips are are appearing. I should start to feel her kick within the next 4 weeks or so. I can't wait!
Physically, I'm doing better (minus the withdrawals). My emotional and mental state has ascended out of that horrible funk I was in. I've been happy and giggly and not quite so irritable (Kent my say differently!). I came down with bronchitis on Thursday and had a low-grade fever, TONS of mucus, terrible chills and aches and overall fatigue. I had to visit urgent care twice before they finally gave me antibiotics. Bunch of idiots I tell you. My ob/gyn said antibiotics were completely safe. The only reason I didn't visit her was because Kent was working and I was too damn dizzy from my sinus headache to drive the 30 minutes to my OB's office. I'm NEVER going back to that urgent care again. The doctor was pretty young and seemed like she had no clue what she was doing. I told her I had lots of phlegm, was coughing a lot and had bad sinus pressure and that I thought I had bronchitis or a sinus infection (this was the SECOND time I had visited her and had to explain to her again what my symptoms were). Anyway, as soon as I said I thought I had bronchitis/sinusitis, she says, "Oh yeah, bronchitis/sinusitis sure that's it. I'll give you a script." No joke. That's what she said. What a flake. I could have told the lady I had the freaking bubonic plague and she would have said, "Oh yeah, the bubonic plague. Sure. Here's some penicillin, or whatever the hell they use to treat that. *Sighs*
So that's what I've been up to the past week. I apologize for doing a disservice to my readers! I'll be sure to keep up.
In case you're wondering, Kent and I have been doing great. He's going to be such a great Papa. We got some more clothes for baby (we already have a huge plastic storage bin filled with clothes and a stuffed Eeyore and a baby blankie and ducky Galoshes) and I also have those two baby books I mentioned earlier. Oh yeah, and today my Mom bought some baby bath toys that squeak. They're all in the shapes of different sea animals. I think I'm gonna have more fun with those than baby!! So long guys!

Week 9 -- Day 6

2:22 a.m. Yes, I know it's early. I can't sleep. I'm in too much pain and feel too sick. I came down with a cold/stomach flu yesterday and it's been awful! I'm going to make an appointment with the doc tomorrow (well, later on today actually) so she can give me some antibiotics and check on baby. I've been extremely nauseous and slightly more crampy than usual. My whole head is stuffed up and my throat feels like it's on fire. Summer colds are the worst. I hope I don't have the swine flu!!! I know, it's a long shot. Leave it to me to think I have swine flu, right? We're (pregnant women) are supposed to get flu shots but not until flu season comes around, and apparently, it's not flu season yet. I read somewhere that pregnant women are especially susceptible to swine flu, so they'll be the first demographic to get the vaccine. Problem is that the vaccine won't be ready until October at the earliest and I believe the flu season starts before then. All I know is that my women's clinic will be on the top of the list to get the vaccine. At least that's what my doc said. She probably tells everyone that!
I just heard a noise. I hope I didn't wake Kent. We slept on the pullout bed in the living room. I was way too hot in our bedroom. The air doesn't circulate very well back here. Usually I just sleep in shorts and no covers but that wasn't cutting it this time. I suppose it's because I'm sick. I don't have a fever yet, which is a good thing. I'm at a solid 98.6.
Did I mention that I sprained my right hand trying to open up a damn Snapple bottle? Yeah. It's really swollen and painful. I don't know why I've been so accident prone the past four years. I was NEVER that prone to getting hurt. It's like I turned into this extremely clumsy person for no reason. Being pregnant sure doesn't help either. The hormones that come with pregnancy relax your muscles and make you more limber but also more likely to sprain and strain muscles and ligaments. I think I still would have hurt my hand even if I wasn't pregnant. I swear this cap on the plastic Snapple bottle was soldered on. Not even Kent, an ex-military man, could get the bottle open. We tried all 12 of them and not a single one would budge. I had to resort to cutting the plastic open with a knife and then pouring the tea out into a glass. Kent wanted to take the bottles back to Wal-Mart but I initially thought that was silly. It wasn't until I drank two or three teas that I told my mom about the incident and she said it would have been a good idea to take them back. Oh well. I wrote a letter to the Snapple people and emailed it last night. I'm not typically one to do things like that -- complain -- but damn, if I were one of those sue-happy people, I would have taken these people to court for my sprained hand. I already thought it all out. I would visit the doctor and tell him/her that I sprained my hand trying to open a Snapple bottle. He would then take X-rays and conclude that my hand was indeed sprained. The manner in which I sprained it -- opening the bottle -- would be in my medical records. So there's some proof right there. Also, the date on which I visited the doctor would have been after the date of purchase (which would be on the receipt) so there's more evidence that the Snapple did it. Most importantly would be Exhibit A (Exhibits B and C are the doctor's notes and the receipt, respectively), the Snapple bottle. I would then demonstrate, using numerous people, that the bottle cannot be opened. Viola! There's my case. What do you all think? Very Seinfeld-esque huh? I would sue for reimbursement of the doctor's visit plus lost time and physical and emotional pain. I know, there's no emotional pain attached. Well, I did lose some days of writing my blog. I could factor that in? Anyway, bottom line is that I wrote a stern letter to the Snapple guys stating that their Snapple Peach Green Tea plastic bottles were unreasonably hard to open and that I had sprained my hand. I'm not fishing for any freebies (although it would be nice to get some free easy-to-open Snapple), I just want them to start making their plastic products more user friendly. I could have also blackmailed them, you know? Threatened to sue if they didn't give me $5000 or something? I wonder if they would have settled? Alright, enough fantasizing about easy money.
I'm feeling a lot better. It's been about an hour since I woke up. I started eating a chilled apple (I'm usually not one for chilled fruit but it tastes excellent right now) so maybe all I needed was some grub in my tummy. I might try and read my current book, Callisto, after I finish writing my blog. Or I might just do research about BQ. I love reading about what I'm making this week. I'm almost done making all of the organs and I'm beginning to form shoulder, elbow and other joints. I still can't get over how amazing it is that I can grow this life inside of me.
*Yawn* Goodnight (again) everyone.

Week 9 -- Day 4 Again

11:35 p.m. I bought a baby book yesterday called "The Going to Bed Book." It's a really cute bedtime story about the animals from Noah's Ark getting ready for bed. They take a bath and brush their teeth and exercise. I don't know why they exercise. Doing that before bed just gets you hyper. I'm going to tell BQ that you really shouldn't do that. Or I can just skip that part. Then they go to bed and turn out the lights and the boat rocks them to sleep. So cute!
I was gonna get a book called "The Belly Button Book" about a hippo finding his belly button, but I found that to be more of a book that you would read and then interact with your child. I also found another children's book called "If You Give A Cat A Cupcake" in one of our many boxes. It's in the "If You Give A Moose A Muffin" series. I love those books! I thought of a new one -- "If You Give A Dog A Donut"! In fact, I might just write that book and sell it to the other for a hefty sum. What do you all think? I would make a great children's author since I already have a youthful mind set in some aspects.
Kent and I read to BQ last night three or four times! I read to the baby this morning as well. We were already doing the voices too! It was great. I love it! So much fun. I'm gonna try and read and talk to the baby as much as possible. I read that it actually soothes the baby in the womb and after birth. The baby hears the reading and is reminded of the soothing feeling it got when you read to it in the womb. I've also read that you should listen to classical music. Not only is it good for baby but it's good for you as well. It can soothe savage beast. I personally prefer Mozart and Debussy to Beethoven. I like Claire de Lune. I also like Tchaikovsky. He did the Arabian Dance song from The Nutcracker. It's so exotic and mystic. Time to eat some lunchy lunchy.

Week 9 -- Day 4

11:22 a.m. Labor Day already! Wow! The summer has just flown by. It's too bad it was so freakin' hot outside to do much. At least Kent and I got some good swim time into our days. I've quickly grown to appreciate and love the sport of swimming. It's so good for you. I wouldn't mind swimming again in addition to walking. It's also good for my back, which has not been doing so well lately. VERY PAINFUL. I've pretty much been lying down for the past day. I've been using heating pads and ice packs. I was doing some yoga yesterday and I bent over to touch my toes (something I've always been able to do since I'm pretty flexible) and POP! I felt this weird crack in my back and I went to the ground. After that it was hell. My back spasmed out like crazy. And on both sides too. Usually it's just my left side that gives me problems but this time it was both, including my lower back. I wanted to cry or shoot myself. Okay, not really but I was in tons of pain. Today has been better though.
I joined the pregnancy and exercise study and I start on the 22nd I believe. I'll either be put into the test group, which exercises 3 days a week for one hour for 6 mths, or I'll be in the control group, which at least gets 8 free prenatal yoga classes. The control group has visits at 6 wk intervals where they have to walk for 2 miles and lift light weights. I wonder if it's okay to do exercise if you're in the control group? Probably not. I'm going to do it anyway! Haha. I'm going to screw up the results. Well, what am I supposed to do? Not be healthy? I wonder what the doctor is studying anyways? They're not supposed to tell you. That alone can skew the results somehow.
I also signed up for two early pregnancy courses for free. It's so awesome having such a great ob/gyn. We get a lot of free stuff. I got some diaper samples and a couple of magazines plus a booklet on pregnancy questions. I've kinda stopped reading so much about my pregnancy just because the medical association likes to scare people. I mean I'm sure there's a reason behind the precautions but sometimes I think these writers take things a little too far. And with my mindset (I'm a worry wart) all those warnings were just making me too nervous.
Did I mention that Kent got a new job in security? I need to re-read my blogs before I go into detail again abut Kent's job.

Week 9 -- Day 1 (REDD)

8:49 p.m. I missed two days of writing!! Sorry about that. I was feeling pretty sick the last few days. General fatigue -- really bad fatigue -- nausea, and A LOT of dizziness. I was so dizzy I could hardly walk straight. I read that this was a common pregnancy symptom so I tried not to stress too much about it. But trying to use the computer was awful. The reading made me more dizzy and gave me a migraine. So I apologize for having two empty days.
I'm 9 wks today! This time it's for real. No more changing due dates. My dad saw me yesterday and couldn't believe that I was already showing. He was also amazed at how big the baby had gotten. I'm going to try and post a picture to my blog, because I want everyone to be able to see my ultrasound photo. I have it up on Facebook but I don't know how many of you guys use it. It's a little more difficult to use than Myspace but it's a lot more professional. It also has really neat applications that you can download and use. I have one called VisualBookshelf that lets you post pictures of books that you've read, are reading or want to read. It's really neat if you want to share with other people or just look smart! I'm currently reading Callisto. It's about a not-so-intelligent rural boy that winds up in this twisted CIA terrorist plot when his car breaks down. Highly entertaining reading. I also just finished the inspiring book, The Last Lecture, and the extremely comical book, Bonk. Both are highly recommended. Okay! Now that I've gone off on my little book spiel, it's time to get back to blogging.
I've had such extreme writer's block lately. I hate it. It's like I'm trying to censor myself so as not to piss off anyone, but I don't want to censor myself too much to where I sound emotionless, you know? I like to think of my blog as sort of my PG rated dairy. Anyway...
Kent and I walked around Concordia University yesterday. It's right behind our apartment complex. It's a beautiful, Christian campus. They really tried to keep the grounds very natural and used granite and wood for the buildings. All you can smell is the cedar wood out there and there's a lot of trees and shade. Very peaceful. Kent and I picked up some pamphlets about their programs. I wouldn't mind looking into a master's degree of some sort. I think Kent wants to do the same. Look into it, that is. Neither one of us practice any certain religion but we're both spiritual. We believe in a higher God who wants us to lead the best lives we can lead for ourselves and others. We were taught to be accepting and tolerant of people who are unlike us. We both have pretty similar beliefs.
The campus was so Zen-like that I couldn't help but wonder if anyone ever meditates there and if so, if the faculty gets upset. I'd like to think that a Christian campus would be tolerant of everyone, but you never know.
I exercised for a total of an hour and a half yesterday. I was so proud of myself. I can't even remember the last time I exercised that much. I did a mixture of walking outside and on the treadmill, and using the stationery bike and weight machines. I plan on doing that for 5 to 6 days a week. I'm also signing up for this study that a doctor is doing on exercise and pregnancy. It's being put out by a doctor who works at the same clinic as my ob/gyn. We will be exercising three days a week for an hour and doing yoga. Yay! I'm very excited.
I'm going to put on my running gear. I'll be back.

Week 8 -- Day 5 (revised estimated due date, or redd)

11:19 p.m. I'm going to start putting "revised estimated due date or REDD" after the next few days so as not to confuse these new postings with old ones when I thought I was on the right week.
My day is going great so far. Woke up early, had a healthy egg scramble -- I need to start eating much healthier since I've been stuffing my face with sugar-laden foods -- and did 15 minutes of aerobic exercise -- 10 on the treadmill and 5 on the stationery bike. That stationery bike is a workout! I was so surprised that my legs were burning after only 3 minutes of pedaling. Well, I did want to get my thighs toned. I've noticed that my fat is going mainly to my thighs and belly, which is strange because my weight hardly ever goes to my thighs. I guess it's all part of my mid-section growing to accommodate BQ. I also noticed that my growing uterus has pinched a nerve running down my right leg. It's so annoying!
I think -- and I don't want to jinx it -- but I think Kent has some great potential for this job interview tomorrow. He took a security training course with a group called Blackstone and is now Texas Dept. of Public Safety certified to work with security companies. He emailed a group called Sentry yesterday and already heard back from them. They told him right off the bat that they could get him 40 to 45 hours plus overtime per week right away if he was the right man for the job -- and I believe he is. He has so much experience in that field that to not hire him would be a huge mistake. I'm so proud of Kent. He's been working his ass off since he was hired with the city of Austin. He already has a meeting with someone from another security company tomorrow, so I'm sure between those two interviews he'll come back with good news. Please everyone, keep your fingers crossed for us -- or you can pray if that's your thing too. I like to do both. Although I'm not one of those people who prays only when they want something. I like to pray to simply thank God for giving me another day on this earth. I wouldn't say I'm a religious person, just spiritual.
BQ is doing great today. She's making me a bit bloated but I can take care of that with small diet changes. I think I shall relax the rest of the day and read. Maybe read to BQ? I read that reading to your baby in the womb actually stimulates their little brain and becomes somewhat of a comfort thing for them once they're born. Apparently, once the baby is born, she'll associate the reading with being in the comfort of the womb, thus creating a relaxing time period for her. I don't have many baby books so maybe I'll just talk to her. I also read that spending some quite time with your hand on your belly also makes for good bonding. I think it's so neat to be able to bond with my baby already.
I applied for an editorial assistant position with a publishing company that puts out educational children's books. I received a follow-up email immediately that said they would start reviewing apps in mid-September. At least I have a time line. Not like some companies that tell you they will call and then just leave you hanging. The world has gone and turned completely impersonal lately. I can't stand it sometimes.
I'm going to cook some salmon, sweet potatoes and a fruit salad tonight. Yum. Take care fellow followers.

Week 9 -- Day 2 -- really Week 8 -- Day 4

9:15 p.m. I'm so PISSED off that they changed my pregnancy due date again. I mean it's not really that big of a deal, but I hate thinking I'm in one week of pregnancy and my baby is forming at a certain stage and then I find out that I'm really not that far along. My doc did an ultrasound again and the baby was HUGE in comparison to when I had an ultrasound at 6 wks. The doctor was able to get a better look at the size of the baby and determined that I was only 8 wks and 4 days instead of 9 wks and 2 days. She said that this would be the LAST time she revised my due date. She's been a little absent-minded the past couple of times I went to see her, so I really hope she isn't screwing up or she doesn't decide to change my due date a third time!! She had great recommendations and also delivered my cousin, so I'm trusting my aunt on this one.
The baby has fully formed appendages now. I THINK I could make out her feet, ear and heart, but it was pretty difficult to tell one thing from another. You can check out the picture on my Facebook account. I'm going to start adding photos to my blog also so you guys can keep visual tabs on BQ (Baby Quack). I hate to leave so soon but I'm falling asleep! I will write more tomorrow. G'nite.

Week 8 -- Day 2

11:18 p.m. Baby's going to the doctor today! I'm not sure, but I think they might do another ultrasound. I hope they do. The baby is the size of a large grape or olive now. She's starting grow ears and a nose and her eyelids almost completely cover her eyes. Her feet and hands are fully formed (no more flippers!) and she's starting to grow baby teeth. Wow! Her sex has already been determined, but her "parts" are still too small to definitively say if it's a he or she. I'm still calling her Vada for now.
I gained another four freakin' pounds in the past couple of days. I couldn't believe it when I weighed myself last night. It must be all those DQ Blizzards I've been eating. I've been having desserts at least twice a day. I need to cut that out. Of course I'm not going to deprive myself -- that just leads to overindulgence -- but I'm not going to scarf down a whole pie either. MMM! Cherry pie sounds great right now.
I need to get ready for my appt. I'll be back.

Week 9 -- Day 1

5:27 p.m. Holy crap, my back hurts! I've only added 5 lbs and already my lower back is hurting. I don't think my three bulging discs help any either.
I sliced about 1/6 of my finger off today, so if my typing sucks, that's why. I was cutting out marriage/pregnancy announcements with an Exacto knife and I sliced right through the outside part of my index finger like I was cutting a slice of bread. I cut off a huge chunk of my fat pad and a small part of my nail. I went to the urgent care b/c I couldn't get the bleeding to stop, but they wouldn't take me b/c I haven't received my insurance card yet. Out-of-pocket pay would have been $350+. Can you believe that!? And we're talking about urgent care, not even an ER. I told the receptionist that I couldn't pay that and I'd figure something out. Perfect example why we need health care reform. I left there fuming mad. So here I am with a gaping hole in my finger. They wouldn't have been able to stitch it anyway because the skin was essentially shaved right off. I might need to get some medical supplies feom Walgreens. I've already used a bunch of gauze and band-aids. It's amazing how much you take your appendages for granted until you can't use one of them. On the flip side, it's amazing how much your body can adapt. I've only been typing without my finger for about 45 min and my body already knows where to put my middle finger on the keyboard. Pretty neat stuff!
I'm 9 wks today! Woah!! I tried on some cute brown maternity pants -- capris -- and wore them out today. They actually fit! I also wore a little baseball top. It looked super cute. I love my little belly and I can't wait to start showing more. Being pregnant is actually pretty nice. You get a lot of special treatment and pampering and you constantly want to talk about and prepare for your new baby. I think I've looked at her pile of clothes at least 5 times in the past 3 wks. I'm just going to start using her name, Vada, from now on. I can take an over-the-counter gender test from Walgreens, but it's not completely accurate. It's called Intelligender. Two of my friends took it -- one turned out to be right and the other one didn't.
Okay, my back is really hurting. I'm going to take a break.
Ciao!

Week 8 -- Day 7

10:12 p.m. Went to Wal-Mart this morning and bought some more stuff for our marriage/pregnancy announcements. My Mom thought it was proper to send out pregnancy announcements separately, and maybe it is, but I really don't think the cards look bad with the added, "Baby Quackenbush is expected on March 30, 2010." We also included an insert describing what were up to nowadays.
Today we're going to get the crib!! WOW! We don't have a mattress for it, but that will have to wait. I already want to set it up!! We also looked at paint colors for the room. I initially didn't want to live in this apartment complex after the lease runs out in February, but the more days go by, the better I like this place.
I need to print out some cards. I'll be back in awhile.

Week 8 -- Day 6

4:08 p.m. OH MY GOD! I am eating THE BEST sushi right now. Don't worry. It's COOKED sushi. Although cooked sushi sounds a bit oxymoronic, doesn't it? I just went shopping at H.E.B. (Texas' local grocery store), and I practically bought everything I saw. Going shopping while hungry is bad enough but combine that with being pregnant! NEVER take a pregnant woman grocery shopping! I decided to stock up as if we were heading into a nuclear winter. Lots of fruit, veggies, dairy products, juice and a lot of frozen foods. I also bought some printer ink for our just-finished wedding and pregnancy announcements. I swear, we've been working on those things since February! I just never found the patience to crank out a card on my Hallmark Card Studio software. It's really not all that hard, but I kept running in to problem after problem. First, the software wasn't compatible with Mac, so I had to set up this thing called Bootcamp that allows you to run Windows on a Mac. Then I realized that I couldn't print anything while in Windows because I needed to install the right printer driver for the Windows OS. So I spent days searching for the HP printer CD. When I finally found it, the Windows OS wouldn't detect the CD. By this time I was ready to call it quits. I finally found a way around it (or so I thought) by saving the card as a PDF and then opening the application on the Mac side. Only that wouldn't allow me to print my card in any other size but 8.5 by 11. FINALLY, I found a Mac compatible card program called Smilebox, which is actually really neat and highly recommended, and I was able to print out the cards on 5 x 7 paper. YAY! The cards turned out really nice. In fact, I may just post it on Facebook for all to see.
I flaked out on my post yesterday. We were busy ALL day. In the morning, we had to clean up the beach house; then we spent 5 hours driving from South Padre island to Austin; then we had to unpack and eat din-din; then we finally went to sleep. So I apologize to my much-loved followers. :) I weighed myself when I got home, and I gained 5 lbs!! Holy cheese balls! I'm supposed to be gaining 4 lbs every month after the first trimester. The pregnancy literature didn't say anything about the first trimester though. If anyone knows, feel free to shoot me an email at laurenrquack@yahoo.com, or you can just leave me a comment.
Kent and I have decided on baby names. We were having trouble picking between Ava or Vada (VAY-DUH), which happens to be the name of Kent's great-aunt, but we finally settled on Vada after I polled the audience. I posted a poll on Babycenter.com and Vada won by a landslide! A lot of the girls pointed out that Vada was very spunky, unique, and hip and would be the perfect name for a strong and confident woman. I figured that strong and confident most definitely will describe our little girl, so Vada it is! Her middle name will be Rae after my middle name and my dad, Rey.
If the baby is a boy, we want to name him Sean, after Kent's little brother. To tell you the truth, we really didn't have a huge selection of boy names that we were picking from. I liked the names Robert, Mark and Paul but Kent and I couldn't agree on those, so he suggested Sean and it stuck! His middle name will be Foster, after Kent's middle name and his daddy's. The first-born boy in the oldest Quackenbush son's family gets the middle name Foster. It's a family name, supposedly. So there you have it, folks! Vada Rae Quackenbush or Sean Foster Quackenbush. My only concern about Vada is that it's such a unique name being put with an already unique last name. One person on Baby Center said that the name Vada Quackenbush sounded too "cartoony." I can see how she would think that, but I still think it's a beautiful name. She's going to be teased anyway with the last name Quackenbush. Kids are just cruel. On the flip side, someone else also pointed out that if we named her Ava, a VERY POPULAR name, her last name would have to be used more often to distinguish her from the other Avas. So I guess each name has its good and bad points. No matter what, we're going to raise our child to have confidence in him or herself and to try not to be consumed by what other people think. I know...it's a lot easier said than done.
Well, what do you guys think about the names? Comments? Suggestions? Time for me to take the Frannie dog out for a walk. Cheers!

Week 8 -- Day 4

5:19 p.m. I'm so confused. I published a "Week 8 -- Day 4" post earlier this morning and now it's not showing it. It was showing the post earlier? :(
Well we've had a great day today. Went to the beach early in the morning around 8:30 or 9 and splashed in the waves and went shell hunting again. We walked a good 3/4 mile or so. Ah, maybe not that much, but we walked a good ways. Later on in the day we went to Dairy Queen to eat and then home to swim in the pool. All in all it was a relaxing day.
My aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa and dad are coming over in about 30 minutes. We're all going to eat dinner together at some restaurant across the street. I'm STARVING!
Lately I've been so hungry that I stuff my face and get full too quickly. I hate it! I'll be about 1/4 of a way through my meal and before I know it, I can't finish it. It's almost as if my belly's already too full with Baby Quack (even though she's only the size of a kidney bean) to stuff anything else in there. I've been so bloated the past few days. It's an awful feeling.
We have to leave back home tomorrow. I'm guessing we'll take the Fran for a beach walk early a.m. and then head out around 12 or so. I can't wait to get back and see the kitties. I miss them! I'm going to make an appointment to visit the law school and then give that mortgage lady a call to see how she's coming on the job apps. I'm not sure what I'm going to do if she turns me down. I know I can always keep looking for a job, which I will if I don't get hired, but it's just so disappointing to get turned down. I can call other court reporters as well to see if they need a good proofreader/transcriber. As a matter of fact, I'm going to look on Craigslist right now for jobs. See ya!

Week 8 -- Day 3 (again)

3:21 p.m. I still haven't heard from the mortgage company president regarding my job app and interview. I'm so tempted to call her myself and see if she's made a decision yet, but she did tell me that she'd get back to me by the end of the week. I also told her that I was leaving out of town until Friday, so maybe she's keeping that in mind too. All I know is that I really, really want this job. It would be the PERFECT job for me. I'd be processing inspections and be the liaison between the inspector and the president and clients. We'd also get to train in their home base of Florida for a few days. She was concerned that I wouldn't want to go back to work after having the baby, but honestly, I wouldn't be able to AFFORD not going back to work. I would absolutely need to start my job again. I should have told her that, so she would know that working wasn't an option but a necessity. If I don't hear from her by Monday, I'll call her.
So my tummy is REALLY starting to show now. I think I already have to start wearing maternity clothes. My bottoms keep falling down because my stomach is pushing the waist bands over and folding them downwards. It's as if I just woke up one morning and "plop!" my tummy fell out.
Kent and I had a great conversation while walking on the beach today. We discussed our wants and needs and goals in life. I told him that I've been selling myself short. I have so many talents to offer this world, and I'm not harnessing those talents like I should be. Since college, I always knew I wanted to work for animals in some fashion. Moving to Colorado was the best decision I made (and not just because I met my life partner). I was exposed to the rigors of biology and zoology academia and to the daily duties, trials and tribulations (like all the big words!?) at a vet hospital. I LOVED interning at the Colorado State Veterinary Teaching Hospital. Just knowing you made a difference in ONE animal's day makes all the sad stories much less sad. I worked in the oncology department -- cancer -- so I saw the worst of the worst. These animals were mostly terminal. We all knew that on any given month, week, day or even hour, the very animal we've come to fall in love with may pass on. Knowing that made each second there precious. While there, I got to draw blood, run tests, help administer chemo, assess health, take temps, blood pressure, weight, pulse, etc. Each day there was a surprise. I would definitely call being a veterinarian, or even just a vet technician, a high-stress job. But you know what? Who cares. The main reason I shied away from that field was the stress levels, mostly created by the clients. As a vet receptionist at a small clinic, I witnessed clients ripping the vets a new one when their pets didn't get better or there was some sort of mistake. At times the vets ARE to blame, but 90% of the time the "mistakes" were anything but. They were simply acts of God. If God wants Fluffy, God is going to get Fluffy. There's nothing we can do about it. Working in that field also gives you a much, much greater appreciation of life in all of its forms. Treat everyone with respect. Do good for others. Take care of YOURSELF first and foremost. You MUST be selfish. I read an incredible book called, "The Last Lecture," and the author's key point was that one had to be selfish to best serve others. You must take care of your health, well-being and mental state in order to be of any help and value to the people that you love, to strangers, to animals, to your plants -- to anything. To neglect your own sanity is selling yourself short. I don't want to be that person anymore. I have SO many God-given talents that I refuse to let them go to waste.
Kent and I were trying to decide how I could best help my fellow creatures. Law is an excellent path to take for that. Actually, at this point in my life, law is the most logical choice. UT has a great law school that's here in town and law school would require a lot of my time but not nearly as much as vet school. Law school is 100x easier to get into than vet school, so I'd have a better first chance at admission. In fact, vet school is even harder to get into than medical school. Yup. Believe it or not. I guess it gives rise to a new joke: What do you call someone who can't get into vet school? A doctor. Because they end up going to medical school. Get it? Ahh. I was trying a weird spin-off of that joke, "What do you call someone who flunks out of med school? A dentist. Hahaha.
Anyway, I have a new life plan. I don't want to be afraid of success anymore. I guess I'm more afraid of the stress and baggage that comes with success. But I'm not going to let that fear hinder me anymore. I want my child to have a Mom that they can look up to and be proud of and tell their friends, "My Mom takes care of animals for a living." When the child is old enough to understand the complexity of it, he or she can say, "My Mom works full-time with animals AND still has the emotional and physical strength to raise her children and raise them right." I want to be THAT role model. So when I get back to Austin, I'm going to visit the law school and get to applying for the Fall 2010 semester. This will allow me the time to take a year off to get the apartment ready for BQ and be able to spend a few months with BQ, full time, before hitting the books. I plan on advocating for animals as well as trying animal cruelty cases, veterinary malpractice and any other animal-related cases that can be litigated. I can argue that your red pen is blue and get a full jury to believe me. Trust me. Just ask my husband!! This quality serves me well at times, while at others, I just make you want to punch me for arguing moot points. After law school, I'd like to practice for a few years -- 5 to 10 or more -- and then try my hand at vet school. That is my ultimate dream and goal -- to be a veterinarian. I'd like to live out my childhood dream of working for the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta as a veterinary pathologist. Or, I could have a small practice somewhere. Who knows? I'll go where the wind takes us. As long as I'm happy and my family's happy and the bills are paid, food's on the table and we have time for travel, then all will be splendid.

Week 8 -- Day 3

1:46 p.m. Sitting at the beach house and couldn't be happier! Kent and I rolled in yesterday evening and have been basking in the sun ever since. We took the Fran out for a walk last night and this morning. She loves the ocean! Kent said this was her first time visiting an ocean. She's been to lakes before but never an ocean. Fran was a little afraid of the crashing waves at first, but she quickly got used to them and began frolicking away. Such a cute doggie! We let her off the leash and she went WILD! She was sprinting back and forth and scaring people, haha. Of course she didn't mean to scare anyone but imagine a 60 lb. strange dog running at you full force. That's gotta be at least a tiny bit scary.
I am EXHAUSTED right now. We went for a good 1 to 2 mile walk and played in the waves for awhile. We spent about three hours in the hot sun. Now I just need a nap and a Blizzard. Kent is making his way to Dairy Queen as we speak. When I get my cravings I need them satisfied NOW! Haha. Well, okay, I'm not that bad, but I still try and get whatever food I'm craving. Supposedly it's your body's natural way of telling you what it's lacking. I guess I'm lacking calcium? I read that it's not a bad idea to have yogurt or low-fat ice cream every day. That's excellent news for me since I already need an ice cream fix at least once a week.
BQ is the size of a kidney bean now. Almost an inch long. I believe I already explained in a previous blog what's going on with her body. We saw an actual picture of an 8 wk old fetus and it's starting to look like a baby now. The head is still a bit alien-ish but the arms and legs are visible as are the eyes.
Gotta go! I'll write more tonight.

Week 8 -- Day 2

5:41 p.m.! I'm an early birdie today. I woke up at 5 and felt like my blood sugar was crashing. My body was super weak again and I felt like I could hardly move. I'm too scared to fall back asleep so I'll just have a glass of OJ and get an early start to the day.
I saw a picture of a 3D ultrasound of an 8 wk old fetus. She's starting to look like a real baby now! The fetus had arms and legs and was wiggling around a lot. Supposedly the baby is already moving her little webbed fingers and toes also. That's amazing. My uterus is the size of a grapefruit now, which explains why I have a baby bump already with a raspberry sized baby. Yes, it's the size of a raspberry now, more or less.
So not much has happened today yet. Going to my psychiatrist this morning to pick up more "happy" pills that he put me on. The medication, Zyprexa, was a serious life saver. It's safe to take when pregnant and it got me out of my funk in days. I'm supposed to stay on it for a couple more weeks until my old medicine (the one I initially weened of of) kicks in. Not a problem with me.
After the doc, we're headed straight for la playa.
Well, just wanted to check in. I'll be back.

Week 8 -- Day 1

3:07 p.m. I'm eight weeks today and still only weigh 120 lbs. Wow. The only place growing is my belly, so it's really weird to not be gaining much weight and still have trouble fitting into my clothes. i'm up to a size 4! for me, that's crazy. i'm used to wearing a size 1 or 2 pants. so jane, if you're reading this, i'm a size 4 now and medium top. :)
i went to sears today with my mom so they could buy us a washer and dryer. it's their "baby" gift to us. i really wanted those front loading ones that come in all these different cool colors, but they were too big for our laundry closet. oh well. beggars can't be choosers, huh? i'm just thankful that we're getting a washer and dryer (thanks mom and dad!) so we can clean up after baby quack spits up her food. oh yeah, i bought a baby rattle today that's in the shape of a stuffed ducky. the duck's belly is the rattle part. so cute! it's the baby einstein brand. i'm going to try and get as many baby einstein toys as possible. who knows if they really make your kid smarter but i'm going to do as much as i can to get her little brain cranking. i'm a member of babycenter. com -- great site by the way for anyone who wants to learn about babies/pregnancy -- and it sends you emails with coupons and stuff. i got a coupon for seven free baby einstein books. you just have to pay the shipping fee. there's A LOT of freebies and discounts from that site. i'm gonna go to town when bq is born. bq! that's her new nickname. Baby Quack = BQ.
we're FINALLY leaving to the beach tomorrow! YAY! i cannot wait to find myself lying in the cool sand, listening to the waves and seagulls and hunting for sand dollars. i'm going to pack a lot of books and mags to read over there, and i'll make sure to pack my computer so i can blog and check my emails.
i hope to god i get this job i applied for to work with a mortgage company. it sounds like a simple job that pays well and allows for lots o' overtime. i'll be able to show up to work in shorts and a t-shirt because i'll be one of 5 to 7 employees who will be working out of a small office. we will be the liason between the inspector and the president, i believe. all i know is that we ARE NOT the face of the company -- the president is. so according to her, we won't have to dress up all fancy shmancy for work. this is the PERFECT job for me while i go through my pregnancy. she was a little concerned that i wouldn't want to go back to work once the baby is born, so that's really the only thing in regards to the job that may be a detriment. i wrote her a thank you letter and reiterated how much i wanted the job, not to mention NEED the job, so i'm just waiting on her to write back or call. she said she'd make a decision by the end of the week. but then she also said that she's having her assistant email formal applications and that she'd be touch with me after i turn it in. i'm just so ANXIOUS to find out. i already want to call her and see what's going on. patience is a virtue.
so i tried on some shorts today to wear to the mall, and i couldn't fit into them! not even my FAT shorts! i can still wear my workout shorts, but i wanted to look cute today. it's really refreshing to have a new body shape start to form even if it causes your clothes to get tighter. i've always been a curvy girl but with the baby bump comes even more curves for me. i say why not flaunt it if ya got it? i mean, i won't be out there looking like a street walker or anything, but there's nothing wrong with wearing a cute, form-fitting dress or nice top and bottoms. and since i got that pregnancy glow going on (seriously, everyone i see is amazed about how much i'm "glowing." i wonder what causes that?), i might as well bring it out with fun outfits. haha. "fun." if you knew me, i don't think you'd call any of my outfits "fun." i'm a very, very simple girl when it comes to fashion. i don't do flashy or fashionable for that matter. if it's ugly but in style, don't even bother buying it. i'd rather wear something dignified and 10 years old than something "in" but flat out hideous. this is why my mom used to never be able to shop for me. she's actually more in style than i am! i gotta say that my mom does have great taste for any other girl on this planet but me. she's starting to get a feel though of what i'd wear and not wear. my clothes are mostly earthy colors. i don't like logos or lots of designs on my shirts and i'll only wear a dress or skirt if it doesn't have ruffles and isn't made of spandex. my favorite brands are what you'd call "outdoorsy." i like prana, life's good, horny toad, north face, underarmour, patagonia, you get my drift. stuff you'd find at REI or any other outdoors store. i usually just wear workout shorts and a t-shirt or tank top. so...there ya have it. i don't know why i just went off on that clothing tangent. so if you decide to buy me clothes for whatever reason, there ya go. hope it was helpful! :)
this week, the baby's brain will be rapidly developing neural pathways. i better bulk up on that folic acid! she's growing lungs and teeny tiny webbed hands and feet -- her flippers! kent has flippers still. he's a fish. so it's no surprise that BQ is growing flippers too. :) her eyelids just about cover her eyeballs now (which, by the way, have color already) and she's about the size of a kidney bean. i hope she gets my husbands eyes. his eyes are gorgeous and mesmerizing. i wouldn't mind her getting my eyes either, it's just that mine tend to change from dark hazel to brown while kent's change from light hazel to blue. he insists that they aren't blue, but i've seen them blue before. so have my parents. so there! again, if you want to read up on what's happening to bq, it's babycenter.com.
i gotta balance the checkbook today. augh. <---random thought
i had a dream last night that a) i saw our daughter as a 7 year old, and b) she quickly turned into a newborn.
my husband and i were on a spaceship again -- i've been having space dreams almost every night lately. i wonder what that symbolizes, if anything? anyway, we were on a spaceship and some woman told me that my daughter was waiting for me. it was as if she had been taken care of by someone else, and i was just now seeing her for the first time. she was adorable! she had olive colored skin like mine, light brown eyes, and light brown hair that was in pig tails. she had my nose and mouth and kent's eyes and forehead. it was great. i could even feel that special connection between us. in my dream, i was crying and crying tears of joy. seconds later she turned into a newborn in a swaddling blanket and i was carrying her. it was one of the best dreams i've ever had. i was telling my mom about the dream, and i started thinking that wouldn't it be really weird if she ended up looking like that when she's seven? i didn't see too much of her as a baby, so i can't really say what she'd look like. i think she just looked like your typical newborn -- a little wrinkly, a pinkish with her eyes shut tight.
i'm gonna take a napsie. my eyes are getting heavy. that pregnancy fatigue is a killer, i tell ya.

Week 7 -- Day 7!!!

1:52 p.m. I think I felt the baby! My mom told me that there comes a point when you start feeling butterflies in your tummy. a.k.a. the baby. i swear i felt her last night! i was sitting on the couch with kent, and we were looking at old photos of his, and i swear i felt something floating around in there. i'm not really sure what you're supposed to feel when you feel the baby for the first time, so it could have been gas for all i know. hahaha. but it sure as hell felt like something. even today, i can feel something in there. it HAS to be baby quack. i've been eating like a savage beast today! i'm hoping that the nausea has passed and the hunger is now kicking in. i'm going to start a weight chart today until the end of my pregnancy so i can get an average weight gain per week. today i weighed in at 120.8 lbs in the morning. we'll check again at night. it's only 2 pm and so far i've eaten 2 waffles, one jumbo can of chef boyardee ravioli with two cheese slices on top, a mozzarella cheese stick and two bratwursts with honey mustard, and tonight, i'm making my famous cream cheese lasagna. yeah you read right. CREAM CHEESE. it's delicious and ever so fattening. pregnant eating is the best. no worries. and i haven't been eating unhealthy stuff either. sure, i have my share of ice cream and candy but it's nothing drastic. we'll see if i don't throw up tonight from all this food. there's a seattles best coffee, coffee drink that i absolutely love. it's an oreo coffee shake. the only seattles best coffee in austin is way down south about 35 minutes away. i was craving one so bad earlier that i almost made the foolish decision to drive down south and get one. i say foolish because a) that's a waste of gas b) it's a waste of time -- over an hour for a small drink, and c) it's a waste of money. i can buy the ingredients at the store for the same price of a drink. so needless to say, i'll be headed out to HEB today for some goods. gotta shuffle through my coupon file folder for some discounts. i never thought id be one to clip coupons or, heaven forbid, scan the coupon kiosk at the store, but kent and i have been coupon king and queen lately. clipping coupons is just part of being financially savvy. why spend $200 on groceries when you can save $30+ ? i guess if i were real lazy and had tons of disposable income then i wouldn't care. alright. im headed out to the store. i'll be back. good thing i ate beforehand. going to the store hungry is financial suicide!

Week 7 -- Day 6

2:17 p.m. Went swimming today at the apartment pool. Had a nice and relaxing workout but got my heart rate going pretty good. Kent taught me the butterfly. That's a tiring stroke! I did mostly freestyle the whole time except for a few laps of backstroke. Probably swam a little over 200 yards I'd say. I hope the baby liked the water. :)
The apartment was having a Belgian waffle brunch today, so we stopped in to check things out. Great food but we didn't eat waffles, just eggs and sausage. There were three waffle machines and they were all being used. Oh well. It was just nice to have some good grub after a workout. We felt like we were at a resort spa being fed and pampered. Two more days until we set off for South Padre. I can't wait. We're gonna get up early and walk with Fran on the beach and watch the sunrise. I'd like to get some exercise in at our pool too. My parents own a beach house there, so that's where we'll be staying. Oh I wish we could live at the beach for months on end. I can't get enough of that salt water and cool breeze. The beach is my "calm place." Whenever I'm really nervous or stressed about something, I like to think of myself lying on the soft sand with the wind blowing through my hair and the sound of the sea lapping against the shore. It's my utopia.
Kent and I are "nesting" right now. He just set up the desk in our office and we're starting to put up pictures and stuff. I finally feel like we're settling down in our place.

Week 7 -- Day 5

5:19 p.m. AWESOME day today! Woke up early, cleaned up a bit around the house, had a great job interview for a mortgage company and then went to tarjay (target) for a new wardrobe. i know i'm not quite showing yet -- well, to kent and my parents i am, but if you've never seen me, i don't think you would think i was pregnant -- but i'll need to have some maternity clothes stashed away for the future. i read on babycenter.com that when you hit seven weeks, you should start taking photos of yourself each month because you start popping out fairly quickly. i'll probably take photos each week though because a month from now is too long to wait! boy, i can't believe how fast time is flying. my mom and i scoped out the cribs today at target as well. so cute! my aunt sylvia offered to purchase the crib for us and i couldn't be more thankful. actually, my entire family has been just wonderful with my pregnancy. i'll have lots o' helping hands when the little tike plops out. (haha, "plop." i WISH it were that easy!) anyway, i found a nice espresso colored crib that folds out into a daybed and eventually a full bed when the time comes. gees. i couldn't stop staring at the crib and thinking about how it will eventually be my daughter's bed when she hits the right age. what is the appropriate age to sleep in a bed anyways? 4? 5? i would think 3 is still too young right? hmm. i sure as hell can't remember when i started sleeping in a bed. well, actually i remember being in a bed when i was in kindergarten, so i must have been what? five years old? yeah i think that sounds right. my mom and i also checked out the baby blankets and shoes and stuff. the little duck already has her first pair of shoes. they're white with stripes on the sides like big kid adidas. they're adorable! they also have a picture of a little train on the sides. i told kent that i didn't see why we couldn't put train shoes on a girl. those shoes were the first baby thing that kent and i bought. they've been hanging from my rear view mirror for months now. in regards to outfits, i'm not what you would call a "girly girl." i never have been and never will be. i'm your average down-to-earth, likes to get dirty but cleans up nice type of person. i told kent that i didn't want to dress baby quack in pink frilly stuff. i want her to wear fashionable stripes and animals and teddy bear things. so far, her wardrobe is sticking with that style -- earthy. pretty greens and blues and yellows and whites and grays. we laughed about how our baby was going to be sexually confused if it turned out to be a boy because we've been calling it she this whole time! i took a sociology of gender class back in high school, and they touched on the way parents "shape" their children since birth into being the typical guy or girl. parents will buy the boy trucks and legos and footballs and give the girl tutus and barbies and play kitchen sets. kent and i want to expose our children to all types of toys. i mean i wouldn't buy my son a barbie doll to play dress up with or anything, but i'd definitely be okay if he wanted to play "chef" or something. same goes with the girl. if she wanted a train set then hey, more power to her, right? i had a train set and lincoln logs and a big wheel when i was growing up and i couldn't have been a happier child.
i tried on some maternity clothes today. they have such cute and inexpensive stuff at target. i made out like a bandit, or rather, my parents made out like bandits. they were so generous to offer to buy me some new clothes. i was just going to use my "fat" clothes for when i started to show but this is even better! i couldn't believe that they actually had x-smalls in the maternity section. i guess that makes sense though. there has to be short, petite women out there like me who are pregnant. even 4'10" women! i saw a really, really short woman today at magnolia (a really delicious local restaurant) who looked like she weighed about 200 lbs! i felt bad because i couldn't stop staring at her. all i could think of though was "dear god! i hope i don't gain a lot of weight. i don't want to accumulate that much fat on my body!" so far all the weight has been mainly in my stomach. i read in a book by jenny mccarthy, which was surprisingly funny and semi-intelligent, that the first few pounds you gain and the "baby bump" you get are really a baby cushion around your uterus. i'm lucking out that the fat seems to be going all towards the baby cushion and not to my face, arms and back. whew! time to eat! (hahaha.)
i'm starving. gotta go eat.

Week 7 -- Day 4

7:29 p.m. Holy cow! I have got to say that my eating is outta control today! I've definitely taken down a lot of food. And I finally got to eat sushi! Vegetarian that is. I can eat sushi for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's such a bummer that I can't have any while...Kent's here! Gotta go.

Week 7 -- Day 3

4:43 pm. Late start to the day! I woke up at 6:30 a.m. to the sound of my husband going through a stack of newspapers. I know, I'm a terribly light sleeper. I tried with all my might to gather myself and prepare to make a cup of coffee, but no dice. I was just too sleepy. I awoke later to the sound of my dog crying because she had to use the potty. It was now 10:30!! Geez! I hate getting up late. I felt great again this morning. I was motivated, energized, and most importantly HAPPY. I cannot stress to you enough how important it is to get help if you're feeling unreasonably blue. My doctor is great, and I know I can always count on him to answer my tough questions and help me get through this life-changing experience. Talk to your health providers, talk to your family and friends, write down your thoughts...just get help! Too many people fall by the wayside these days out of fear or pride. And I digress again...
I spent most of the day taking care of a change to our health insurance plan. We want to make sure we get the best coverage possible for our baby (obviously). My nausea had dissipated yesterday and I was hoping it would stay that way, but it returned today. I can't complain though. It hasn't been too bad. We got a card in the mail today from the Richmonds, Kent's cousins. One of his cousins just had a baby. She's adorable! It seems like it's raining babies lately. Four of my friends are pregnant and one just had a baby in late June. I guess we're all growing up! It's funny how you always wonder who you're going to marry, when you're going to have a baby, etc. Back when I was a teenager, I used to talk about how weird it was that my spouse was out there in this world doing his own thing and living his own life and someday, we're going to run into each other, fall in love and start a family. Well...I found him! I always knew I wanted to marry my soul mate, I'm just so lucky that I actually did. I went through a few relationships there with people I knew weren't my soul mates and I began to fear that I would just have to "settle." Whew! I'm so glad I followed my heart. Kent is my best friend, soul mate and SO much more. And now we're going to raise a child together. Weird, wild stuff! I'm craving shrimp right now. Mmmm. Gosh, I feel so weird right now. Do you ever have these days or moments when you just feel like you're living in a dream-like state? Everything feels cloudy and you're head feels like it's full of fluff? Haha. That's how I feel right now. I don't like it! My parents came to visit us last night. That was really nice of them considering it's a 20 min. drive from where they live in Central Austin. I had been craving cupcakes from this little cupcake stand, so my Mom and Dad bought us four different cupcakes and made a treat delivery! Alright, I'm going to watch the news. I'll try and be back later tonight. See ya!

Week 7 -- Day 2 (?)

8:33 a.m. I'm starting to lose track of the days! I think it's day two, it might be day three. Well, it's week seven that's for sure. I just read a comment from my in-law's friend, Pop. I almost cried! Everything makes me cry now. I've always been an extremely passionate person, but as far as crying goes, I never cried unless I was really, really upset. I'm crying at sappy commercials now! Thanks for the kind words, Pop. So far, we've had offers to buy a crib, changing table and wardrobe for Baby Quack. You should see her little onesies so far. She's gonna be styling. Among others, she already has Gap clothes with little teddy bears and a really cute onesie that says, "The Poo," a la "The Who"! Another favorite of mine is a yellow onesie with a little lion on the front. Wal-mart has some great stuff.
I woke up today with a new found sense of optimism. Nobody told me how much being pregnant can get you down. I've suffered from panic disorder for years -- since I was about 17 years old -- and the pregnancy hormones have increased it tenfold. The last week has been a real downer. There were days when I didn't even want to get out of bed. I'm not familiar with the feelings of depression. I just don't get depressed. I mean sure, I get blue like everyone else. Sometimes even for a couple of days. But never depressed. This was a whole new feeling for me and let me tell you, it's the worst feeling you can possibly have. I saw my doctor yesterday and he prescribed something that's safe to take during pregnancy but that would help me with my depression. He explained that because I'm already susceptible to panic disorder (which is also fueling the depression) that I'm naturally more susceptible to ante-partum depression. The medicine works quickly and I only have to be on it for a week. I think just knowing that there's help out there has made me feel much more at ease. The coming days look much brighter and I know that I must help myself as well by getting up early, exercising, being social and just doing nice things for me, my loved ones and even strangers. I know I can get through this. I WILL get through this. I've always been a strong woman -- apparently that's one of the qualities that attracted my husband to me! -- and I'll be damned if this demon takes me down. I also started praying again. As a young girl, I was raised Catholic and taught to pray to God every night, go to church, go to confession, etc, etc. As I've grown older, I've stopped subscribing to organized religion, but I still believe in a God. Unfortunately, when I stopped going to church I also stopped praying as often. I like to think that God can work miracles but the scientist in me (my favorite subject is science) always looks for concrete evidence and often needs concrete evidence to prove something. Faith alone doesn't always work for me. Either way, I know that praying DOES help. Whether it's the act of airing your grievances or God himself that makes you feel better, praying helps me in a way that cannot be achieved through other means. I'm going to try and pray every day now like I used to when I was younger.
Alright, now that I'm off my soapbox I'm going to dive in the pool. I'll be back!

Keep on swimming...

Week 6 -- Day 3 -- Baby's First Prenatal Visit

We had our first doctor's visit today! (I'm VERY tired right now, so if my typing and writing is sub-par, I apologize.) The doctor was reassuring when it came to our concerns about the pregnancy and happily informed us that once the baby's heart is beating (which it is!) that the chance of miscarriage drops to 5%. I was THRILLED to hear that. I have these recurring worries about miscarriage...now I can finally rest. After much "baby" talk involving genetic testing, what to eat, safe medications, vitamins, exercise, vaccines and morning sickness, she announced that she wanted to take a look at the little sea monkey via ultrasound. Kent and I were ecstatic! This was a huge surprise to us. From what I had understood, she was only going to listen to the baby's heart, and it was too early for them to have a reason to do the ultrasound. I guess every doctor is different. Boy, I was telling Kent that out of all the research I've done on various topics, I've never researched one so controversial as how to have a healthy and safe pregnancy. There are contradictions on EVERYTHING! One Web site tells you not to eat this, another says it's okay in moderation, another says it's fine altogether -- I finally decided to stick with what the AMA and reputable sources say. Everyone else can kiss my ass. :)
When we arrived in the ultrasound room everything felt surreal once again. That little machine with the blank black screen was sitting there waiting to be used. I felt like I was in a movie scene. You know, the couple goes to the doctor who squirts cold jelly on the woman's tummy and then the baby appears in the classic position and Mom and Pop cry tears of joy, the doctor giggles and all is peachy keen. Our experience was similar only no tears appeared, just huge smiles and laughs. It took the doctor a little longer than I expected to find the baby. She commented that I probably wasn't as far along as she initially thought. For a split second I was terrified that I had miscarried, and she would never find a baby. Finally, in what seemed like hours, the tiny bean popped up! We could see the heart beat nice and steady and strong! It was going at what seemed like 1000 bpm. I thought that pin-sized heart was going to pop out of it's teeny tiny chest. All we could see was my uterus (which is rapidly expanding) and the little baby's heart and head -- two white dots with the heart much larger than the head at this point. Or so I think it was the heart spot that was bigger. I was afraid to move because I didn't want her to lose site of the baby with the ultrasound wand, so I didn't see her (the little duck) wiggling around like my husband said she was. That's a Quackenbush for you! All heart and full of energy. The doc printed out a picture of the baby for us (baby's first photo) and I plan to frame it and put it next to our bed. It's currently hanging on the fridge -- baby's first piece of art too. I can only say that the pregnancy feels much more real now. I saw the heart -- the first sign of life -- and with that, I know that I must do everything in my power to keep that heart strong and content. Although I was disappointed that I wasn't as far along as I thought -- I'm only 6 weeks and 3 days and the due date is now March 30, 2010 instead of March 22 -- I'm just full of relief that the baby is doing great for now. I can only pray that I continue to have a healthy pregnancy and that my little duck is well and happy.
I felt sick to my stomach most of the day today. I'm going to hit the hay early and try and stomach a strawberry popsicle and then some Sleepytime tea. My father-in-law jinxed me! I told him over the phone the other day that my nausea wasn't bad at all and he said, "Well, you're still early in your pregnancy. You have time." I laughed and thought to myself, "Thanks a lot Quack!" I guess he was right! :( Ah well. Just another part of the miracle of life. :) Goodnight everyone!

Week Five-Day 5

10 am. I woke up today extremely weak and fatigued. If you have ever had really low blood sugar, that’s sort of what it felt like, not as bad though.
I’ve had really low blood sugar levels before. I was rushed to the hospital near comatose about four years ago. I woke up with a blood sugar level of 33. I couldn’t walk, could hardly talk, I was drenched in sweat and my heart was about to pop out of my chest. The doctors and nurses who treated me at the hospital told me I should have never woken up from my sleep and I should have been dead. I like to thank my cat, Kiki, for saving my life. I woke up to her on top of my chest licking me and purring really loudly as if to say, “Get up Mom!” Well, I saved her life from the shelter so I guess she returned the favor. Low blood sugar (hypoglycemia) is easily treatable. A few IV bags of glucose and I was up and running again. And I digress…
So, I felt like I had low blood sugar this morning, only I know that wasn’t likely. I ate a small meal before bed, which is what the preg mags are telling me to do, so that my stomach would be full and blood sugar stabilized. You know, come to think of it, I wonder if being pregnant messes with your blood sugar? Every magazine or book I’ve read touches on blood sugar levels at some point. I have a history of hypoglycemia so maybe I should do some more research. But I haven’t had low blood sugar to a severe level in over a year. That was always due to my drinking habits. Kent and I don’t drink anymore so things have been good in that department. Hmm. Luckily, I see my baby doc in eight days. I’ll just ask her.
I cannot believe how worried I have been about my baby! I have this HUGE fear of miscarrying. Every little ache and pain that I feel in my abdomen sends my brain into overdrive. I don’t know how many times I’ve checked the toilet to make sure there’s no blood in it after I’ve peed. I hope I’m not this psychotic with my kid! I’m going to give her Munchausen by proxy. I had a dream last night that Kent and I and all of my high school friends were up in this huge space station (why my brain chose that setting, I have no idea) and we had just woken up in our little space room and I decided to take a pregnancy test to make sure I was still pregnant. It came back “Not Pregnant.” I fell to the floor and started sobbing uncontrollably…then I woke up.
Yesterday, I had a small cup of coffee in the morning and then a Coke to settle my stomach in the afternoon. After the fact, I couldn’t stop thinking about what if my baby’s small brain had dried up from caffeine dehydration. This series of thoughts continued for at least 30 min to the point where I thought I would have a panic attack if I didn’t shut my mind off. I took a few deep breaths and told myself that everything was fine. I’M FREAKIN’ CRAZY!
I just ate some cereal and I’m starting to feel better. I had wanted to wake up early today and swim some laps downstairs but…oh well. Later tonight. Kent can come with. I’m worried that I won’t be able to exercise because I’ve been so tired. SHUT UP LAUREN! STOP WORRYING! It’s exhausting being me sometimes. The computer just told me that the word “me” was used improperly and that I should put “I” in its spot. I don’t agree with that. That will sound too British. Not that there’s anything wrong with being British, but I just don’t like the way it sounds.
I have to go back to my parent’s house later and grab our three kitties. I couldn’t believe how much I missed them last night. I think Fran, our German Shorthair Pointer, missed them too. She seems a little lonely. I feel so bad because she doesn’t have a huge yard to play in anymore. She loved chasing those squirrels and playing with her other dog buddies. I would walk her but it’s so damn hot outside. I’d be afraid she would have a heat stroke.
I also need to unpack these boxes. It’s kinda hard though when you don’t have anywhere to put some stuff. We don’t have a couch or coffee table yet and the desk is still at the other house. We also have to order Internet. I tried connecting to other networks but they were either encrypted or the signal wasn’t strong enough.
I need a better job! The one I have isn’t consistent. I either have something to work on or I don’t. I bought this editing key that I need to transcribe documents. Transcribing pays a lot more than proofreading. But I can’t get the damn key to work. It looks like half of a USB cable. It’s really tiny. When I hook it up to my computer, it’s not being detected. It’s supposed to only work with the Microsoft OS so I went out of my way to buy a program that allows you to run MS on a Mac. Everything seemed to be good to go until I plugged that key in and MS didn’t pick it up. Not even my Mac OS picks it up. It’s really strange because the other lady (the one I work for) had no problem running the key on her computer. Granted she has a Dell not a Mac, but a computer is a computer. The only thing that works it is the OS, so really, it shouldn’t matter what the piece of hardware is. As long as you have the OS to run it, what’s the problem, right? ANYWAY…I’m going to finish my coffee and jump in the shower. I’ll be back.

Week Five-Day 4- Augh

11:45 am. I just attempted to throw up my breakfast. I guess knocking on wood for no more morning sickness didn't do much good! A wave of nausea hit me suddenly about 30 min ago. Actually, I think it began when I spritzed on some Birthday Cake scented body spray. Woah. Just typing that made me want to hurl. I've always loved this body spray. I used to wear it daily for months on end. Everybody complemented me on how "sweet" I smelled. :) I guess I'll have to say "goodbye" to it during my pregnancy. I'm still in awe about how much more I can smell lately. Yesterday my Mom was sitting next to me at dinner with a glass of wine, and I couldn't sop smelling that sweet/floralesque scent of her Reisling. As I said in a previous post, my husband and I don't drink anymore but that scent was tugging at my sleeve like no other. I wanted to grab the bottle and chug the wine to satisfy my thirst. Of course, I would never do this as I don't drink, and even if I did, it would be too dangerous to indulge in alcohol during my pregnancy. So I had to sit through dinner with that overwhelming sense of wine lingering by my nose.
I feel partly hungry and partly nauseous right now. I think that's the worst feeling one can have. You don't know whether to eat or let your stomach settle. The primeval side of me, the survival side, keeps telling me to forget about my morning sickness and feed my starving body, while the logical side of me, the "let's take care of Lauren" side, keeps telling me to protect myself and wait. I settled on drinking a Coke. Which reminds me, I need to write down "Caffeine-free Coke" on my grocery list. I drank a small cup of coffee -- I mean baby cup small -- this morning, so I should be okay with just one Coke. At least that's what all the baby magazines/books seem to think. I read that you don't have to cut out all caffeine -- pregnant women have to give up so much already -- but you need to drink it in moderation.
My Dad and Kent are back at the new apartment now unloading stuff. They were able to pack up a good amount of furniture and boxes including our bed. I'm busy packing what's left of our closet as well as the bathroom stuff so we can shower tomorrow. We don't have a whole lot more to go, which makes me very happy seeing as how I'm now falling into pure pregnancy mode. Tired. Achy. Nauseous. Moody. Bloated.
Oh, did I mention that my maternal instincts are already kicking in? I was reading this horrible article yesterday about this religious "Jesus loving prophet" who raped little girls as young as 9 years old. I was telling my husband that if ANYONE ever harmed my child, I would spend the rest of my life hunting him down and once I found him, I'd chop off his balls and choke him with them. WOW!! GO LAUREN! The anger that enveloped me was unimaginable. Now I've always felt very maternal when it came to my animals but this was an entirely foreign feeling. For the first time, I felt reassured that I'd be a good Mom.
Better finish packing.