Week 11 - Woah!

11:46 p.m. It's gloomy outside, much like my mood. It's been raining for about three days now. Lord knows we need it. We've had one of the hottest summers since 1925, and we've been in a drought for years now. The first day of rain was nice. The weather cooled down and our daily walks become more pleasant. Now I just wish it would stop. Poor Fran hates going outside! She doesn't like the wet grass for some reason. I find that strange since she loves the snow so much. Maybe she doesn't like to get mud on her shoes. Nobody likes mud on their shoes. And yes I said "shoes." That wasn't an accident. I like to personify my animals. They are and will always be my first babies.
Everyone is asleep right now -- Kent, Kikster, Mr.Haze, Melvin T. Cat and Frannie Bananie -- all dozed off. Maybe I should go to sleep too? Join the crowd.
Today marks the 11th week of my pregnancy. Not much is to be said of the way the baby is forming anymore. Her organs are completely formed, her limbs are there, her mouth, lips, eyes, eyelids, everything is hopefully all there and functional. Now it's baking time, if you want to go with the "bun in the oven" analogy. I should be happy right now but I'm plagued with doubt and worry. Have I done enough to help her form correctly? What if she turns out to be disabled? Will we be able to deal with that as parents? I stopped praying when I came out of my depression a couple of weeks ago, but I think it's time to start talking to God again. It helped me last time, and it can't hurt.
I've worried a lot about my relationship with Kent. He's starting to work nights and sleeps during the day. I feel like I don't see enough of him. Will I be able to handle it when he has to work five nights in a row? I hate sleeping in bed alone. I lie awake at night with my mind running at full speed. I'm so proud of Kent for what he has accomplished, and it's not up to him to make me happy. That, I have to do for myself. He's been SOO supportive of me as I go through my ups and downs, and for that I can't be more thankful, but I'm afraid he'll start to feel like I'm a drain on his already sapped energy. He's a good provider, a wonderful husband and shoulder to lean on, but he can't do everything. He can't ALWAYS be my entertainment, my source of income, my rock, my knight in shining armor -- it's not physically or emotionally possible. I will wear him thin. The upside is that when baby is born, he'll be here during the day to help out. I just hope he can get SOME sleep in then. A few hours at least.
I've been feeling like such a failure lately. What am I contributing to this marriage? It's near impossible to get a job now that I'm pregnant. My source of income -- editing transcripts -- has been SUPER slow. The court reporter broke her foot and hasn't been able to work much. I need to call her though. It's been about a week and I know she wanted to get back to work as soon as possible. I posted some ads on Craigslist and other job Web sites advertising my work, but no bites yet. I feel like I don't do much but sit around all day. I've been sucked into this never-ending cycle of fear and anxiety. It's hard to leave the house sometimes because I'm afraid of having a panic attack in the car. Even leaving to go for a walk gets my heart rate up. If I get a panic attack while walking, what if I have no where to escape? I know this will pass though. The wait is nerve-wracking. I don't know when or why I started having such a low self-esteem. I have my theories, my defining moments of when my life began to sink for me, but I can't say for sure. I used to be SO optimistic about everything. When I was knocked down, I got back up. When things became too rough, my adrenaline kicked in and I always trudged through. Now I'm afraid of success. If I succeed, will I be able to keep things going? It's so easy to stay the same, even if I know I could be doing more. Change is always something you can count on in life. Sometimes it happens without warning, other times you must change for yourself. I need to change my life. I can do anything I want in this world. Well, almost anything. I couldn't be a supermodel, but you know what I mean. I've been wanting to go to law school for quite sometime now. I want to be an animal welfare lawyer. I want to litigate animal cruelty, malpractice cases and the like. I want to advocate to get laws passed that protect animals and guarantee they have a voice -- they can't speak for themselves. I wanted to go to vet school initially. That was my whole reason for moving to Fort Collins. I worked at a vet clinic and the Colorado State Vet Hospital and saw the stress the vets were under, and I began to second guess myself and my career choice. Could I deal with the frantic clients when their pets were in life-threatening situations? Could I save more lives than not? My brain is always full of what-ifs, and could-I's, and will-I's.
One thing I am proud of right now is being able to get off of my medication without severe withdrawals. But now comes the hard part, and it's all mental. My pain receptors -- both physical and mental -- have been dulled for months. Everything that happened to me affected me in such a different way. I felt it, but not really, if that makes sense. My happiness was dulled, my sadness was dulled. I almost felt like a walking zombie. Now, I feel everything 10x as much as I used to. My receptors aren't used to feeling anymore, so every little thing bugs them. It sucks, sucks, sucks. At least writing about it helps some.
Kent is asleep right now -- I wish to God he was awake with me. Just having him awake and present lifts my spirits, but waking him from his much needed sleep would be cruel.
Right now I feel like I'm getting up just for the sake of the animals, the baby and Kent. Kent needs a wife to talk to and lean on when he needs to vent, animals need food and water, baby needs nutrition. What do I need? What can I do for myself and how do I break out of this cycle? Small steps. Baby steps.
I started going through papers today and making files. There's a HUGE stack of stuff in the office that I've been looking at and trying to ignore for the past few weeks. I'm proud I at least got started going through it.
I have what's called a sequential screening on Monday. It's basically an ultrasound combined with blood work that determines your risk of having a baby with Down syndrome. If your risk is higher, let's say 1 out of 300 as opposed to 1 out of 4,000, then they recommend amniocentesis or what's called a CVS test. The tests are invasive and have a small risk of miscarriage, but they can definitively tell you with 99% accuracy if your baby has any chromosomal abnormalities. My problem with the tests is this: What is there to be done if the baby DOES have some abnormality? Nothing. We can read books and prepare for what's to come when the baby is born, but other than that, there is nothing to be done. Do I want to ruin my pregnancy experience? Kent and I talked things over a few weeks ago and decided that we didn't want to test, but now I'm having second thoughts. The other thing is, if the risk is in between high and low, do I do a definitive test and risk miscarriage? There are just too many questions that have no answers. I think I may pass on it.
I have my third prenatal checkup in two weeks. We will be able to see what looks like a real baby! Baby is the size of a large lime now and will be much bigger in two weeks -- obviously. A friend of mine is co-owner of a place called Belly View Ultrasound in my hometown of Mcallen. They do 3-D ultrasounds so you can get a much more accurate picture of the baby. I want to do one already, but I think I should wait a few more weeks until the baby's features are more distinguishable.
We find out the sex in three weeks also. Will it be pink or blue? Football or ballet? Puppies or kittens? Haha. I guess I'm using typical gender assigned scenarios here. What if we have a football-loving girl who hates the color pink? Personally, the color pink makes me sick. It's too frilly. We agreed already that we will be open to whatever our child wants to do and experience as long as it's safe and healthy.
I hope I'm a good Mom. I KNOW Kent will be a great Dad. I hope I can become a better wife and partner. I hope I get out of this funk. Baby steps I tell ya.